When Friends Ghost You!
by Myrna King
On a recent Monthly Coaching Call, we explored the new-ish concept of “Ghosting” someone. Most commonly used in the dating-app world, when a new date does not turn-up at the designated place and time, you say you have been “Ghosted.”
Often we now refer to friends and acquaintances who seem to drift away as “Ghosting Us” when they become less available for activities you used to share together, resulting in a declining regularity of association.
We may misunderstand the reasons behind the changes. And there is a societal reduction in verbal competency with regard to person-to-person interactions. The younger generation is sometimes most comfortable texting, or using email or posts to communicate, rather than verbal or face-to-face conversations.
Here is a short video to share with friends should you find yourself in a similar situation. Therapist, Esther Perel, reminds us that friendships are born from shared interests and a common “life direction” such as a work colleague on your same project, another parent with school-age children who also love the zoo, etc.
Because change is inevitable, as your life and interests change, you may not be “in parallel” anymore with some friends. You may have also discovered a new area of interest that is not appreciated by some of your friends, such as tastings at small batch bourbon distilleries, and you have some friends who are no longer consuming alcohol.
Having some language and some grace to use in these situations is one way that coaches help clients. Try these examples and make them your own:
With my kids off to college, I have an empty nest and more time on my hands. I’m taking a couple of classes in pottery and pastry baking, and so will not be in the pickle ball league for a while.
My life-partner and I are spending more time with other couples, including an upcoming beach retreat long weekend. I want to still spend time with you, but my calendar is less available at the moment. Can we select a chick flick for next month?
While we love coming to see you (distant family) for the holidays, it’s a lot to bring the kids, board the dog, and all the rest. Would you be up to visiting us this year instead?
Staying connected to friends and family takes some effort. Some will naturally fall away - no hard feelings. Others will have to have a conversation to understand that there is change happening, but no one is “at fault.”
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